365 days.

365 days. It’s been that long since I have felt his arms around me, or his hand holding mine as we knelt together in prayer before our Father. Since I heard his big boisterous laugh, listened to him share his future ministry dreams with me, or just overheard him playfully count to ten as he took part in a game of hide and seek around the house with the kids. Since I’ve seen his work number pop up on the caller ID at lunchtime just to check in, or saw his eyes crinkle with that big smile, as he told me how beautiful I was and how blessed he was to be my husband.

The list could go on and on, but the bottom line is… it’s been a year today. A year of intense grief, and a year of lavished grace. A year of heart wrenching loss, and a year of never ending, Heaven sent love. And the only way to truly describe it is to say that I am held. Held in the palm of His hand while evil tries to prevail and life can appear so crazy busy that I don’t even know how I will make it through the current day. Sometimes I haven’t even known the words to describe it – this all encompassing Presence that brings peace when all around me is unknown and chaotic.

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

My prayer all along has been based on Isaiah 61:3. I have prayed for beauty from ashes, and that I would be willing to suffer and deal with the loneliness that this year has brought with it, if that is what will bring God glory. It’s such a hard prayer to pray, but even when it hurts, I know it’s right and how I can please Him with my life after all He’s done for me. My little feeble attempt of sacrificial worship in response to His lavished gift of His Son’s sacrifice on the cross. My God is good and He is for me. He has made it very clear through the multitude of people who have come alongside us this year, that He loves us, and we are never truly alone.

I’m still waiting to see how the beauty from ashes will take shape. I understand that it may take a lot of patience, possibly a really long time to see, and that there will probably be fully unanswered questions until I get to Heaven myself. 

But it’s the second half of that verse that has become more real and practical to me. It’s the part about the oak of righteousness, for the display of His splendor. I heard Lauren Chandler pray it recently: “Lord, let my roots grow so deep in You, and may such great fruit result that You receive much glory.” And it’s been my prayer since right after B’s passing – “Grow my roots deep, Jesus. Let them be so firmly planted that nothing on this earth can destroy them.”

I watched just the other day, as fence guys tried to lay a fence post too close to a large oak tree in our back yard. Over and over they hit at those roots, until they were covered in sweat and had to stop for a break. Those roots didn’t budge easily, no matter how hard they were hit. And I saw it once again. The importance of the roots – the foundation of the tree. When we see Christ for who He really is – His majesty and our smallness, His sovereignty and our weakness - our roots stay grounded. The tree sways, loses some branches, and looks a little beat up after the storm. But the roots underneath? It will take a whole lot more to destroy them. They are grounded, and they continue to grow.

So, believing that only through God’s strength, He gives me the ability to remain grounded like an oak tree, I choose to move forward. Yes, I will always love and miss B, and be grateful for the amazing husband and father he was that helped shape a strong foundation for our family. But I believe He has good in store for me and my children, and I’m trusting Him with hope and expectation at the future. And, I’m grateful that by God’s grace, a lot of others’ prayers, and godly wise counsel, I’ve made it through a really hard year with my roots still secure.

So today, our family will cry as we celebrate B and the impact he made during his somewhat short time on earth. But much more, we will celebrate a God who holds us in the palm of His hand and works in amazing ways to secure our roots, and lets us see His beautiful love and merciful provision shining through the darkest of nights.

Book review - The Storm Inside

I recently got the opportunity to review the new book The Storm Inside, by Sheila Walsh, as part of the launch team for this book. Of course, anything that has to do with a storm these days, I know I will totally be able to relate to and glean something from, as this past year has been quite the huge storm. The Lord has shown me repeatedly though, through the storm, that He is the anchor that gives us hope. This book was an encouragement in repeatedly conveying that truth.

Topics of transformation that are discussed in the book are:

From Disappointment to Hope 
From Unforgiveness to Freedom 
From Shame to Love 
From Regret to Rest 
From Fear to Joy 
From Insecurity to Confidence 
From Insignificance to Courage 
From Despair to Faith 
From Rage to Restoration

Sheila has a great way of being able to grab her readers' attention with her honestly, her sense of humor, and her great illustrations and stories, then dive deeper into the truth found in Scripture. She dispels lies from the enemy and replaces them with facts on God's Sovereignty, love, and knowing care for His children. By the end of the book, I was encouraged once again of the strength my Savior gives for not only getting through storms, but learning from them and maybe even being able to dance a little in the rain. :)

If you or someone you know is going through a hard time right now, this is a great new book to pick up to provide some comfort and encouragement of the truth. And if not, you'll still want to get it, because chances are, we all have just come out of a storm, are in one now, or one's on the way! :)

I am oh so grateful that the Creator of storms is also the Creator of hope and of beauty still ahead.

Book review... Whatever You Grow up to Be

Life has been busy and I will get back with personal blogging soon, but I've got some review books I will be posting about in the meantime! The first one is such a sweet one...

I received this book, Whatever You Grow up to Be, in the mail to review, and it was just so sweet and cute that I dropped everything we were doing to read it right away to my little boys! Karen Kingsbury, the author of this book for children, is one of my favorite adult Christian fiction writers. I've also seen her do an incredible job on other children's books, and she has on this one as well. It almost made me cry!

The book follows a little boy from the time he is born until he becomes the father of his own little boy, as the mom reminds him at every stage how she will always be there for him and cheer him on. The illustrations are stunning and cute, as they enter into some imaginative worlds of the boy as well.  The boys loved looking at them, and N particularly was fond of the boy's dog being on almost every page too. ;)

This is a beautiful book that will be treasured by moms and sons alike. I can even see purchasing this for baby showers or your own new son's birth. It will definitely be read over and over to my boys as I remind them how much I love them and will support them in whatever plan God has for their lives.  

 Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book review... Intentional Parenting

I recently realized that I never posted a book review on an incredible book called Intentional Parenting. Written by three counselors, Sissy Goff, David Thomas, and Melissa Trevathan have nailed it with this book on encouraging and challenging ways to be an intentional parent. The 11 chapters included topics like being a patient parent, a consistent parent, a playful parent, and a merciful parent. Within those chapters are dispelled myths replaced with Scriptural truth, real life examples, and practical ways to implement the teaching found within that chapter.

I have the greatest desire to be an intentional parent, but sometimes the days get so busy and I lose track of what really matters - my children's hearts. I also beat myself up for my parenting failures, becoming a perfectionist with lofty expectations and forgetting that my God is a God of grace and second chances. I love what is said in the last chapter about being a "free" parent:

  You can be free, as a person and as a parent, no matter how much pressure you feel today. You can't do it right. You can't be the perfect parent, and you can't create the desired outcome in your child. But you can immerse yourself in the better hope that Hebrews 7 speaks of. You can fix your eyes on Jesus. You can entrust your child to Him. He's really the One in control, anyway. And He loves you both more than you could ask or imagine. 

Doesn't that encourage you? This book is full of truth that appears like an energetic cheerleader "hurrahing" me through the hard weary days, reminding me of God's love and example in how He parents His children. I am going to be rereading it again soon, actually. It's one full of golden nuggets that I need to be continually reminded of.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

When hurt runs deep...

I’m currently in this group that is supposed to challenge those who love to write to do so more often. It’s always a goal of mine to write and keep writing, but life often gets in the way and makes me busier that I would like to be. So I thought this group might be great motivation to help me stay in the habit of writing regularly, both on this blog and in my journal.

This week’s assignment was to create a piece of writing that uses an analogy. I absolutely love analogies, stories and word pictures. I love when I see or hear something that allows me to think about something else in a new light. I usually end up reflecting on it for quite awhile.  Yet, this week, try as I might, I could not think of any analogies to write about. It reminded me of how I would often tell B how funny he was and to say something that would make me laugh, and he would respond that he can’t just say anything funny right on the spot or it would come out sounding really dumb. :)

Sometimes life just seems what it is at the moment – hard, monotonous, and exhausting. Even though I know that there’s so much more to it than that, and that each day of my life is just a small thread in a beautiful tapestry that I believe God is creating, it’s just hard to see the bigger picture some days. I think that’s why I had a hard time coming up with an analogy to write on last week. It was one of those tedious tiring weeks where I had to be so focused on the practical that I just didn’t have the space in my brain to reflect on cool analogies.

Breaking up kiddy arguments...
      Paying bills...
              Trying to lower a mountain of paperwork...
                     Looking at boxes I wish I could have unpacked by now...
And underneath it all, knowing that February was coming… bringing a possibly very depressing Valentine’s Day and the anniversary of B’s passing with it.

When you experience any kind of grief in life, especially one in your immediate family, it’s easy to live so burdened down sometimes. Yet, if you and I are not careful, we can get so lost in all of the “to dos” and forget about the healing that needs to occur in our hearts. We can stuff those feelings down, busying ourselves in our lists and trying to forget that inside we are aching from a deep deep loss. And sooner or later, if we don’t deal with it, we might just explode inside from the stuffing. That’s why it’s important to focus on how to let the Lord bring healing to our souls so we can move forward with hope.


I just finished reading an unbelievable book by Kay Arthur, called When the Hurt Runs Deep. In it, she shares several points to remember while hurting. Here are just a few of them that I loved and identify with:

1. If God has allowed pain in our lives, He has allowed it for a purpose – a good purpose, because He is a good God. I know that’s oh so hard to believe at the time. It’s a choice to believe that, sometimes every single moment. Some days I audibly must cry out to God and tell Him, “God, I choose to believe that You will bring about good from this. I choose to trust You even though it hurts and I don’t understand why.”

2. Because God is all-knowing, He knows the very source of your deepest pain – and He understands exactly how to heal it. I can look to other things to try to bring healing, but they won’t last or be enough. God knows my heart is breaking. He knows exactly how to heal my heart, and He will do it in His timing. Again – I must seek Him, and then trust.

3. Deep hurt can happen to upright, blameless people; it is not always deserved or earned.  We have to be careful who we listen to when we are hurting. We have to seek the Lord and confess any sin to Him. Then we can free ourselves to live in His desire for us, regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels called to share their opinions about. Read the examples of Joseph and Job in the Bible. They are both men who were walking in faithfulness with God, and both went through a lot of hurt and heartache. God redeemed and restored and brought beauty, but they had to stop listening to some of the voices around them and just seek the voice of the One they believed could rescue them in order to stay faithful through the hardships.

4. Deep, exhausting, unrelenting hurt can bring you to the end of yourself – to complete and total dependence on God – which is the best place you could ever be. I’ve seen this firsthand. Even just practically speaking, I’ve already had to do a lot of things that I don’t have the understanding of how to do. I’ve had to trust Him for pretty much everything. And He’s been faithful every time to provide or to give the skills I need that I sometimes didn’t know I possessed, or bring someone along who does have those skills. I’m dependent on Him, and He in turn makes me, the weak one, strong – but only through His strength alone.  And I truly feel it - I am held.

There’s so much more I could share, but you should get the book and read it for yourself. :) It will comfort and provide hope to you in the midst of any kind of hurt you are going through. It’s meant so much to me that I’m planning to blog again about another part of it – stay tuned!