When Crickets Chirp...

If you are one of the few precious people who read this blog, you may have noticed that I’ve been quiet for awhile.  Like… pretty much since before Christmas.  Way too long.  Maybe you've heard the crickets chirping here. :) Sure, I’ve done a few product reviews and those are always fun, but I really haven’t taken the time to express my own thoughts in awhile. 

To be honest, I haven’t really known what to say.  The Lord has had me in this “quiet season” right now.  It’s a season of rediscovering what I know to be true about Him and yet discovering things about Him that I’ve never truly known before.   It’s a season of reshaping my faith and shutting my mouth so that I can really hear His Word and His voice in new ways.  And, it’s a season of stripping… of painful pruning and trust walks, when I can’t see where He’s taking me. 

(a precious 5-year old version of Jesus coming back in the clouds) 

This week marks two years since my sweet husband went to be with Jesus.  Everyone prepared me that the second year post loss would be harder, and boy, were they right.  I’ve been faced with some really difficult trials this year, and been up against some obstacles that I’ve never encountered before and could have never guessed were coming.   Our circle of support has also grown smaller, but I was prepared for that too, thanks to wise words I’ve read from the lovely Kay Warren.  The grief pops up in less expected ways that I'm not as prepared for. Through it all, I’ve had to continually learn more and more to let Jesus be my total sufficiency, and trust Him to provide all that we need in His perfect timing.  That timing, of course, is far different from my own. 

Yet, He has been so so faithful in gently guiding me on this journey and giving me a strength I could never conjure up on my own to endure whatever each day brings.   He has humbled me greatly as I see more and more, that this life has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.  He has challenged my faith through the lives of others who have walked this journey before me.  He has brought broken dreams to the spotlight of my prayers and has given me the boldness to bravely approach Him with my shattered heart, entrusting Him again and again with those dreams.   And when I do, He beautifully pours in me the hope, though some days bleak, to continue dreaming and trusting. 

I want to see Him continue to work, and to accomplish those dreams He’s put in my heart.   But for now, I believe it’s about being still and letting Him fight for me as I learn that in quietness and confidence is my strength. (Is. 30:15)

Pastor James MacDonald visited my church recently, and preached from James 1.   When he spoke on James 1:3-4:

"...for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

He explained that steadfastness, patience, or whatever other word your Bible translation gives, is the Greek word “hupomena”… which means "to remain under."   This is the true challenge of trials and hard seasons in our lives.  Will we choose to remain under when all we want to do is to get out?  To stop fighting it and endure for as long as is needed, learning what our Father wants us to from it?  What a lesson learned that will help us through anything we will face in life!  When we learn how to “remain under” well, it is a funnel through which all other ministry and life opportunities will grow. 

This brought so much clarity to me and encouraged me, as I hope it does for you, that God is using the hard seasons to teach us so much.  The process of learning how to remain under will not only help me now, but in whatever seasons that are ahead.  

So for now, I choose to remain under even when it’s painful.  And remaining under may mean more quiet.  More seeking instead of speaking.   I may be quiet for awhile longer.  The crickets may keep chirping around here, but amidst the silence, a lot more can be learned than it often can in the noise.  

I honestly don’t really know what’s ahead.  I have big dreams and plans, even for this little blog, but they are all in God’s hands.  

And I'm learning that there’s no one better to hold them.  

It's November.

So... it's November. October just flew by with some travel and crazy mingled in with the blur. I tried to get all of my 31 posts done, but realized that if these were words I believe my Father gave me to share from my heart, then they couldn't always come on such a scheduled approach. Instead, they are on His time table.  Then when I saw that one of my favorite bloggers, Emily, posted her need to continue her 31 day challenge into November, and her sister - the creator of the challenge, none the less - is doing the same... well, I'm totally fine with stretching it out now. :)

I hope to continue the last 11 posts in this series over the course of the next two weeks, so I hope you will check back here for them. In the meantime, my heart has been preparing to usher in the month of November, and with it, the realization that the holidays are just around the corner. For someone who has been through loss and is trying to keep plugging along through a lot of hard when most everyone around seems happy and festive, the holidays can be a time when you just want to run for the nearest exit and hole away in your comfy little home until they are over. Or, they can be a greater reason to focus on the hope we have as an anchor for our souls because of Jesus. His love. His sacrifice. His securing of a future that is bright and free of pain and loss.

There are two ways that I have found so far that are helping me tremendously with that, and I want to share them here in case you are also trying to choose joy throughout the next couple of months.  You get that it can be easier said than done.  But it can be done.  Day by day.  Sometimes moment by moment.

First, Ann Voskamp's "thankful tree,"

Our family has done this for a few years now, but we used to just find a pack of paper leaves somewhere (which has been a challenge some years!).  I love how Ann's have verses of praise on them that can adorn your tree.  We just got all of our leaves cut out and can't wait to get started with one thing we each are thankful for each day for the entire month of November.  Go here to find them.

Second, Sara Hagerty, a new author that I seriously cannot get enough of right now, wrote an incredible book I just finished called Every Bitter Thing is Sweet.  She introduces a practice of adoring God, where she finds something about His character to dwell on each day.  I haven't been doing this for long, but already it has encouraged me so much to keep my eyes on Him more often and not on my circumstances.  She has printables to help her readers with this reflection, and you will just love them!  Go here to find them.

So... happy November, everyone.  No matter what we are facing right now in life, may we look back at the end of the month in gratitude not only for what He has done for us, but what He has done in us.

Allume recap

We interrupt this 31 Days challenge here on the blog to share about an amazing conference I had the opportunity to attend this past weekend. Allume is known as a Christian women's conference for writers and bloggers to come together and be refreshed and challenged in their craft. This year, it was held in the beautiful city of Greenville, SC.  Although we didn't have much free time to explore the city, I made the most of it with a few new friends.

It was a little different of a conference than I expected it to be.  Definitely less technical and less focused on specific details related to writing than I expected.  Instead, there was a huge ministry focus, and this year, the theme was on hospitality.  It was just beautiful.  We were challenged by wonderful and well known Christian writers and speakers, and some new voices, to make our homes - both our literal ones and our online ones - be open doors to welcome and love on those who may stop by for a visit.

While I do realize I need technical help to create a better blog in days to come, I was greatly encouraged by this focus.  There was no comparing of status there, even with widely published authors and brand new bloggers in the same room.  Instead, the overall theme was that God is working in our lives every day, no matter what we are doing, or the accomplishments our names may or may not carry with them.  It really doesn't matter.  What matters instead is that we choose to be conduits of His love to the world around us, throughout all of the individual situations and circumstances we will face.

There were all sorts of service opportunities and ways to bless and help others.  I was made aware of needs that I can fulfill and I'm excited about those opportunities that are to come.

And of course, the leaders of the conference were so generous with the number of books and goodies that we were given!

So yes, while Allume is known as a "writing conference," I now wouldn't be so quick to label it as such.  It is for any woman who desires community, a sisterhood of women to partner together with, as we fulfill our individual callings to make some kind of difference in the world as the Lord works through us in unique ways.  

I was so encouraged, because this season of my life is just a tad crazy.  I can't realistically do things I would really like to do.  Other things I try to do take me longer to fulfill than others  - take the 31 Day writing challenge I won't be finishing by the end of October!   God is just looking for our "yes."  He will work out the details, perform miracles, and give us an amazing story to share through our voices, our pens, or our keyboards.   

Thank you, Allume, for the refreshing encouragement to keep walking the road I've been assigned, and that my little "yes" counts in ways bigger than I can ever see.  

Dear Single Mom...

Dear Sweet Beloved Single Mom,

I know it feels sometimes like you are the only one out there in your current situation, but you aren’t. There are many women in similar situations as yours right now, whatever and wherever that is. They are women with similar hopes and shattered dreams, similar fears, and similar hurts. Yes, the reason for those hurts may be different, but hurt is hurt… and pain is pain. You are definitely not alone.

I know it seems like you aren’t seen, but you are. There is a Sovereign King who rules over the entire world, and yet knows how many hairs are on that beautiful head of yours. He hears each frustrated plea you pray and each tear you cry in solitude, and sees each act of love and sacrifice you show to your children when you are exhausted and would rather curl up in bed and watch some mindless TV. He longs to talk to you, this Abba Father of yours - to have you open His Word and to fully embrace the relationship that being a dearly beloved daughter of His means.  To give you hope.

I know you feel like you may not be able to make it today, but you can. You have the ability to live in the supernatural strength that your Heavenly Father offers with capabilities that will astound you. He makes you strong and able to defeat any enemy that may threaten to defeat you. He makes you brave and able to push past your fears, take risks, and dream of a brighter future.

So stand up strong today, dear sister. Reach out and embrace His love and fully bask in His promises. You aren’t alone. You are seen. And you can make it. But it’s only in your weakness that you can truly reach out to discover your strength - because when you are weak, He is strong.

Lovingly,

Your fellow sister who is right where you are & who also needs these reminders...




(Listen especially to the bridge in the middle - I can't get enough of it!) :)

Thank you, Dr. Brantly...

Ever since Dr. Kent Brantly was introduced to the world due to his contraction of the ebola virus, I’ve been following his story.  Perhaps it’s because I don’t hear often of people still in existence who choose to abandon everything they hold dear, to follow God’s call to a remote part of the earth where people who are so loved by their Creator die due to a lack of clean water and good medical care.  I’ve loved missionary stories since I was a child, and I’m still fascinated when reading the biographies of people who risked personal comfort for the sake of the Gospel. Whatever it was at first, Dr Brantly and his wife Amber could soon after claim me as one of their biggest fans, cheering them on with hope, praying earnestly and continually to God for His healing.   

I have never met either of them, but I now hope I get the chance to someday – if not here on this earth, then in heaven.  I have a mental list of those people, you know… with Beth Moore, Katie Davis, and Francis Chan on it too, of course. J People who are willing to give up the comfortable for the uncomfortable and who know what truly matters for all eternity, letting that guide their decisions in the present day.  Those people challenge me to do the same, and the Brantlys have done nothing less.  But they also encourage me, because their lives testify that little decisions matter.  They speak encouragement, and they speak conviction.   It's the kind of conviction that doesn’t go away, but simmers in your heart long after its powerful words are spoken. 

I heard a testimony that Dr. Brantly gave to his former church before his family left for Liberia.  He basically said that this large decision to become a missionary doctor and uproot his family simply came from a lot of smaller decisions he was willing to say “yes” to.  His faith in God, and his ability to rest in God’s sovereignty, enabled him to take first a faith leap to Liberia.  That same rest allowed him to trust His Father through a scary uncertain health future.  

In his television interview last week, he stated that he knew God could heal him, but he prayed that even if He didn’t, he would be faithful and never deny Him.   (Haven't seen the interview yet?  Go here.  It's a must watch!) And his wife Amber, when asked if she would be willing to return to Liberia, stated that she had told Kent many years ago that she would follow where God led him, and she would continue to. 

I was reminded of the events in the book of Daniel, and then challenged in my own faith journey.  There are things I want the Lord to do in my own life and in the lives of my children.  I believe He can do them.  I trust His greatness.  But what if He chooses not to?  What then?  How will I respond?  And what about my commitment to where God leads me when it is through a place or a season I would rather not be in?  Will I be walk faithfully without complaining of the difficulties?

“Oh Lord, I believe… help my unbelief,” I pray, as the man asked of Jesus in Mark 9 after Jesus had healed the man’s child.  When I look at the lives of the Brantlys, who were willing to trust the Lord no matter what, it forces me to take a good hard look at my own life that results in a long time of reflection.  I want the Lord to use me.  I dream of living a grand adventure that screams His praise and proclaims His glory.   But I know that can only happen when I choose to trust Him with whatever He might bring into my path – big and small, easy or hard, joyful or painful.   This current season of widowhood far earlier than I would ever want to embrace it continues to stretch me... but man, does it teach me to trust Him in new ways.  

So even though you will probably never read this... I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to say thank you, Dr. Brantly.  Thank you for declaring God’s miraculous healing to a watching world who may be in doubt of who He is or His ability to still do marvelous things.  Thank you for not staying quiet, even with so much backlash and negative response from those fearful of the spread of ebola.  Thank you for risking your life so that others could know Jesus’ love firsthand.  And thank you, for convicting me personally of my need for greater trust in my Father.  

The world needs more people like you, and I am grateful the Lord has chosen to keep you in it for awhile longer.  

In the thick of the storm.

Sometimes the only way out is through.

I absolutely hate storms.  And I live in an area of the country that seems like the summer thunderstorm capital.  These little storms can pop out of nowhere, lighting up the sky with huge bolts of lightning and startling unsuspecting persons with such loud thunderclaps.  To many, these kinds of storms can appear pretty scary and huge.  But if you can be patient through some crazy moments of blinding rain and loud noise, you’ll soon see that they pass quickly. 

Then there are the storms that seem to last all day.  Just when you think it might be over and calm has returned to the area, another round hits.  I was driving around on this kind of stormy day recently, and it was awful.  I had a day full of things to do and no kids tagging along, so I was determined to check every errand off my list.   But every time I seemed to get behind the wheel again, headed for the next place, blinding rain and road debris seemed to be waiting for me about halfway into the drive.  Scary stuff to be driving around in.   And yet I really had no choice but to keep going, if I wanted to get to my destination. 

I’m finding that life can be that way.  There are those small but huge storm bands that scare us, but if we keep pressing on, we find that they really aren’t all that big and bad after all.  They are over and done with pretty quickly, and we are left feeling like conquerors for surviving them. 

But then, there are the long lasting storms - the ones that seem like they will never end.  They are the storms that seem to pull us under and threaten to defeat us… to make us feel like no matter how hard we try, we just cannot catch a break.   Among other life situations, grief is very much this way.  We try to steadily keep going, but it seems like there is always something threatening to destroy our joy.  Even when it seems like we’ve already survived through the initial storm bands, and it seems to everyone around us that we are doing ok, there are scars that will probably stretch deep enough to affect us for quite awhile.  

So, can storms and joy coexist?  Can we battle the storm outside while experiencing peace on the inside?  I believe we can, but it’s only found in Jesus… because He is the Master of the storms.   We are safe in His grip when everything around us is changed for good and reminds us of our loss.   I can choose to grip the steering wheel with shaky hands, fearful that I won’t make it to my next stop… or I can turn the radio up louder and sing at the top of my lungs.  I can choose to let the song be louder than the sounds of the storm even when it’s still raging on all around me.

I’ve seen enough to know that as long as we live here on earth, there will always be storms.  But our choice is always about how we will respond to them.  And, in knowing that maybe… if we hold on long enough… maybe, just maybe… 

He’ll allow us to see the rainbow.  

"Sometimes He calms the storms, and sometimes, He calms His child." - John H. Groberg

It's not about me.

It’s all about Jesus. All.

This weekend, I had the amazing opportunity to attend the annual women’s conference of the Gospel Coalition. Surrounded by godly women who have walked this road of faith for many more years than I have… spending breaks in a bookstore filled with truth filled resources… listening to incredible teaching from pastors and teachers ministering all over the country – well, I don’t know why I would assume I would come away thinking any differently. But Jesus really was made famous throughout the whole weekend, and His name was exalted and glorified through every word and song.

I have been in what I think is a normal place for anyone walking the road of grief. It’s this time frame of trying to figure out what new purpose God may have for my life after saying goodbye to former purposes that I thoroughly enjoyed and miss greatly. This convincing assurance that there is more coming but having no clue yet what that more looks like. It’s easy to get hung up on the details, wanting so desperately for Him to reveal even a hint of what’s next. And until He does that, trying to do the best I can in this season to prepare myself for what is to come and bring Him glory through it.

So, I went to the conference pretty stressed about some little details, and I came away seeing much more of the big picture and all that really truly matters – it’s all about Jesus. We worked our way through the book of Nehemiah, seeing Christ in every verse. Over and over again, it was emphasized that Bible stories are not there just to be great Bible stories or to become “Aesop’s fables” of sort – where we take away some kind of moral that applies to us after reading. They are there to point us to Jesus. It’s the same way with my life... with your life.

We have been created with a unique story He’s writing that should constantly point to Him. And because that is how we've been created, we don’t have to stress about what that looks like. He will take care of it. And in the in between seasons, all we have to do is rest in His amazing grace and trust that this same God who has worked so remarkably through history past will continue to guide us in the present and into the future He has in store. The next decision. The next hurdle. The next trial. The next victory. That itself will bring Him glory.

Life is so much more freeing that way. I know I’ve taken a few long exhaling breaths as I have reflected on all I was taught this weekend.

He’s got this.

And none of it is about me anyway.

It’s all about Him.

Germinating.

Sometimes, the Farmer chooses to plant seeds a little deeper in the ground.  It takes work for them to pop through the ground and breathe in the deep refreshing air and sunlight with newly formed and growing leaves.  It takes time to see any results.  It’s really dark down there, under that rich soil. 

But the soil is full of nutrients that the seed needs in order to grow.  The Farmer also knows that the depth of the seed's roots can determine its long term strength.   During the seed's darkest days underground, a lot of beautiful work happens that no one can see.  The seed is germinating.  It’s growing its roots, so that it can remain strong when it emerges from the soil and faces the wind and the rain.   The beautiful flowers that will bloom in sunlight are the result of its time first spent in darkness.  A great work is being done in that tiny seed while no one can see the beauty of what’s really happening. 

Like children waiting to see flowers, we grow impatient as we wait for the seeds of our dreams to grow.  Our futures… they can look so bleak and confusing.    What is happening?  When will things change?  But the miracle of growth is just that – a miracle.  It’s not something we can always have a system and a plan for.  Different seeds - like different dreams - take different amounts of time to produce fruit.  And when you factor in what kind of soil, how often they are watered, and how much sun shines on them - the process is often out of our control. 

The next time you see a watermelon, consider with amazement that it started as just a tiny seed, growing up to 200,000 times its weight.  Now that takes some time, but the results are great.  Worth it.  And incredibly amazing.  A true miracle.

I need the patience of the Farmer.  I need His long term perspective, His faith, and His loving watch care over His seeds.  

So the next time someone asks me what I’m up to, maybe I’ll respond with, “I’m germinating.”  

And it will be the honest truth. :)

“Faith is what keeps those dreams alive, even when it seems as though they are dead and buried.  But that is the very nature of seeds.  They go underground.  They disappear.  And while it may seem like they are dead, they are not.  They are just germinating beneath the surface.”

–Mark Batterson, Draw the Circle

Lessons from creation

Sometimes, the answers we need may just be found by stepping outside our front doors. 

Now, I’ve been a church going girl from the time I was on the cradle roll.  I love to spend a quiet hour at a Christian bookstore, scoping out the latest resources available.  My own bookshelves are filled with great solid books that can help point a person to Christ and His Word, based on whatever situation they are in.  And I'm thankful for the freedom, education, and comfort found there. 

But sometimes I forget to go right to the source.  To this amazing Creator who sovereignly ordains all that comes about in this vast universe, and still cares and provides for me personally.   I wouldn’t get to know a friend all that well just by talking to her friends, or reading journal entries those women wrote about my new friend.  I would want to spend time with her personally.

And just like that, God calls me back not only to His Word, but to His creation.  Because in His creation, is portrayed His story.  His beauty.  His majesty.  His sovereign control.  His care.  His love. 

I’ve recently become a huge Ken Gire fan, first by reading his incredible book titled The North Face of God, where he relates the difficult times we face in life with the incredible dangers of the north face of a huge mountain.  (Read it!  You will be so glad you did.) This led me to other books by him, and so far, they are all amazing.  My favorite part about his writing is that he takes his illustrations from nature, and through this, I’ve been developing new eyes to see them again too…

The choice to believe that the sun is still there even when it’s not shining.

The beautiful calm that comes right after a powerful storm.

The strength of an oak tree shown by the depth of its roots.

The way a mama bird cares for its young. 

The worthwhile, never wasted time it takes for a seed to grow.

The realization that the caterpillar's loneliest days are right before it’s transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

All these, and more, have been reminders to me lately to not get so busy, that I don’t have the time to be outside.  Because I think there may be more lessons out there for me to learn from than my little bookworm self might ever realize.  And not only can I learn from them, but I’ve got little people I'm parenting who are naturally in awe of the wonders found in creation, if they are only given the time to see them.

Summer is coming.  I can almost count the days on one hand.  We are so very ready.  Normal activities we do during the school year are ending, and you’d better believe you will soon find us outside more often.  At a park, at a beach, taking walks... whatever we can, whenever we can.  

Because there’s a world out there that tells of His glory, and I for one, don’t want to miss it by staying stuck inside four walls.  

3 Ways an Ordinary Mama Can Say "Yes" (and a giveaway)

Giveaway has ended... and the winners are Amy and Kristin!  Enjoy this wonderful read, girls! 


(...which also could be titled as “Ways the Lord is Working on my Heart”) :) :) 

Last week I blogged about a great book I’ve been reading called Rhinestone Jesus, written by Kristen Welch.  This book is about to hit store shelves, and you will want it.  Ever since I finished reading it, I’ve been contemplating its message.  This idea of being willing to say “yes” to Jesus, no matter what that means.  In the big, in the small, and in the not so pretty.   You see, I’m just an ordinary mama, with no major ministries going on or maternity homes across the ocean that I’m trying to build, and that means I could easily dismiss Kristen’s story in this book because it’s not mine. 

But I’d be missing the point of the entire book.  You see, no matter where we are in life, we are being called.  Called to offer our “yes” to a Father who knows what is best for His children when we don’t have a clue what tomorrow may bring.  And that’s a really scary thing sometimes.   In the midst of my own life mess right now, these three areas have stuck out to me as ways He's calling me to offer my “yes”:

My time.  Oh, my time is so precious to me these days.  My time… that time when there is nothing that must be done and no one asking anything of me.  That’s because that kind of time rarely ever comes.   And when it does, I often want to be selfish with it.  I may refuse to spend time with someone who is hurting because I need some “me time,” refuse to play a game with my kids because I finally have the time to pick up a book I’ve been waiting to read,  or sleep in a little longer instead of waking up early enough to have some quality prayer time before the kiddos are roused. 

When I say “yes” to Jesus, I let Him direct my time.  And if my day ends up looking a whole lot different than what I planned but I look back at the end of it knowing Jesus was the one who directed it, than I can trust Him to also bring me the nourishment and down time He knows I need to keep functioning well.

My talents.  The Lord has given us all gifts and abilities, and sometimes, I want to use my unique giftings for my own purposes.  I want to rush opportunities and make them happen before God’s timing and fulfillment, or in different ways than He’d like.  Or, I want to ignore where I’ve been gifted and waste my time doing other things, instead of using it to refine my gifts and use them where I’ve been planted. 

When I say “yes” to Jesus, I give my talents back to Him for Him to use as He sees fit.  I choose not to get frustrated when it’s not the right timing to use them, or He uses them in a way that I may not have chosen.  And when He does choose to use them in ways that get me way out of my comfort zone, I am willing to "do it scared," as Beth Moore says.

 My treasure.  A lot of people define this as their money, and rightly so, because the Bible says that “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  So I take it a step further and pretty much sum up my treasure as everything I hold precious in my heart – including my desires, hopes and dreams. 

And when I say “yes” to Jesus, I choose to trust Him with my heart.  I choose to believe that He sees where I am broken, and is working to mend me in a more beautiful way than I can imagine, even when I can’t see anything but scars.  I choose to place all of my desires, hopes and dreams in His hands and let Him do with them whatever He wants. 

Much easier said than done, isn’t it?  That’s why I needed this book, and I believe every other woman does too.  I am one weak woman, fully dependent on the Lord and always needing to rely on His grace and strength to help me in my mess each and every day.  But when you read someone else’s story of saying “yes” and it’s presented as beautifully as Kristen’s, doesn’t it make you long to say “yes” more often?  And don’t you feel a little braver when you know that others around you have been willing to say “yes” too? 

Rhinestone Jesus officially releases on May 1^st of this week, but I’m so excited that I have two copies to give away here on my blog!  Just leave a comment sharing something pertaining to your own “yes” story by 11:59 p.m. on Thursday, May 1st, and I’ll draw two winners on Friday!  

Yes in my mess.

Saying “yes” may just make life downright messy. 

I’ve been reading an advance copy of Kristen Welch’s new book coming out, Rhinestone Jesus, and it’s been making me contemplate a lot. In particular, it’s been making me think about all the times I’ve made the choice to say “yes.”

Yes, to begin studying to be a teacher.

Yes, to further that study by going away from home and leaving what was familiar.

Yes, to student teach in yet another unknown area, living with strangers.

Yes, to come back home to accept a teaching job when I wanted to stay. 

Yes, to accept a marriage proposal from my high school crush.

Yes, to stop teaching in the classroom and begin on a long crazy journey called motherhood.

Yes, to promise to support my husband in every way as we walked the unexpected road of cancer.

Yes, to answer the call to adoption.

Yes, to commit to trusting God’s plan while I journey through a world now filled with loss.

None of my yeses have been big ones, especially compared to Kristen’s big choice to open a maternity home in Kenya.   They really are quite insignificant.  Some were exhilarating and some were downright painful.  I’m sure you could say the same about your own.  I’d love for my story to include my saying “yes” to something much bigger and have an exciting "big" story to share.  But He’s called me to a lot of little yeses, and I honestly believe that all of those little “yes” answers still add up to something bigger beyond them.  It’s the ability to trust God more completely as the choice to say "yes" makes life a little messier.  It’s the continual stretching of the soul that in turn makes me braver because it becomes a choice I just have to keep making even when I'm weak and scared, because I know without a doubt that there just isn’t a better alternative. 

Shortly after B passed, I remember my daughter asking me if I would have married him if I would have known I would lose him 9 years later.  Though I answered her with a "yes" at the time, I really reflected on that for awhile afterward.  At times, I absolutely hate the season we've been in.  But at the same time, what would have happened if I would have said “no”?  I would have missed out on an amazing marriage and three precious children who bless me every day with their sweetness.   I would have missed seeing my Savior’s love for me in huge ways through His body’s coming together and lavishing love on us.  I would have stayed planted in my own little safe world, afraid to take risks because I’m not sure of the outcome.  And what fun is that, especially when as hard as we may try to control life, there are always things beyond our control anyway? 

So, I believe that our “yes” answers make us braver.  When we say “yes” a few times, we are able to keep saying it.  We are able to see that God is bigger than the mess, and He sees way beyond it to something stunningly beautiful in His big picture story. 

Saying “yes” might be the scariest thing ever.   

But – it might be the best thing we ever choose to do.  

The beauty of broken.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to unplug some, and just focus on falling deeper in love with Jesus.  I write that with zero desire for any praise or compliments whatsoever, because the reason was not at all a good one.  I realized I was doubting Him.  I realized that I was struggling to let Him be enough for me.  I knew He was asking for that, and I needed to be willing. 

So I took Facebook off my phone and put strict limits on how much social media I was allowed,  and entered into a 10-day period of trying to quiet all the distractions and just trying to feast on Him with every moment He allowed me.  I prayed that I would be overwhelmed by the love that He longs to lavish on me.  And I was.  But along with it, what I discovered wasn’t all that pretty.  Pride.  Fear.  Doubt.  The more time I spent with Him, the more undone I realized I was and the more I realized I needed Him.   And I realized He was asking me: “I know you believe that I can make beauty from ashes, but do you really truly believe I can do it in your life, your family and in your mess?  And do you understand that it may not happen the way you think it will or want it to, but in MY divine way?”

I’m only writing this down to remind myself of and to hopefully encourage others with, because in this journey, He led me to a book called The Beauty of Broken, by Elisa Morgan.   In this book, Elisa, the former CEO/President of MOPS International for many years, opens up with her very personal family story of pain and what most would call “messy.”  Yet she weaves God’s redemptive grace through all of it, like a red ribbon of hope because of the blood His Son shed on the cross to cover all of the sin and the mess.  

And that?  That transforms all of the ugly mess and makes it all beautiful. Only through Him. 

I absolutely love this part of the book, wrote it down, and was so encouraged by it that I knew others need to hear it too. 

God used…

Two broken stone tablets… to bring about the Israelites’ repentance.

Broken pitchers that covered torches… to make Gideon’s enemies fall back.

A broken heart… to return King David to His heart.

A broken roof… as an access for a cripple to receive Jesus’ healing.

Broken bread loaves… in Jesus’ feeding the more than 5,000.

Broken fishing nets… to challenge the disciples to fully depend on Him.

A broken flask of nard… to express love that flows out of a relationship.

A broken ship… to steer Paul to Malta to share the Gospel.

A broken body… to provide salvation for all mankind!

Wow.  He not only CAN use brokenness to bring beauty, but He seems to delight in it.

I just have to be willing to let Him.  

"...but You are the Savior, and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

Lessons from a bicycle...

I’ve probably got a similar “learning to ride a bike” story to almost everyone else’s in this country, and probably even some of other countries.  As a little girl, I loved my little pink bike with the streamers and chunky banana seat.  Then, I hit the point of decision to want the training wheels off, after deciding that I had grown too cool and mature for them.  So, my dad took me outside to our front driveway, took off the training wheels and stood right beside me as I climbed on.  Talk about a scary moment of potential independence for a child.  I got off to a pretty rocky start, complete with tears and cries to stop, but inwardly not wanting to quit until I got the hang of it.  Persistence is thankfully something that’s always been part of my personality.  I’ve never believed that anyone could get anywhere by just giving up.  So, I did not… and my dad, in turn, did not leave my side.  He encouraged me and affirmed my abilities to do it if I would just keep trying.  He helped me take off down our driveway, and helped catch me when I fell after a burst of a little too much confidence in my new abilities.  Finally, I was able to pedal my little self to the next neighbor’s driveway… then back again.  The next time I took off, I traveled two houses down, and back again.  Before I knew it, I was off – without my father’s help – but with his constant cheering and on looking.  Come to think of it, I don’t remember my dad ever letting me go out to ride my bike without him standing in the driveway watching, to be sure I was safe.  Some freedom... with a lot of loving protection.

Now, when I look back on it, the similarity of my bike riding growth, to my walk with my Heavenly Father, is amazing.   As a little girl, I also chose to make that first step of faith in choosing to follow Jesus and to walk in His ways.   I had no idea what I was doing or what it would require of me, but I knew down deep with childlike faith that I wanted to follow with persistence – whatever that would mean.  As I began to grow in my faith, and grow older, I also faced challenges – and I have screwed up plenty along the way in the way I’ve handled some things.  I have cried plenty, and whined quite a bit to Him as well that this is just too hard.  I have struggled with confidence and the belief that I can do this thing called my journey and ride of faith. 

And yet, my Father has never ever left me.   He has listened to my cries, whispered gently through His Word when I needed to hear that still small voice speaking through the noise and chaos of life, and cheered loudly through His body speaking truth into my soul right when I need it most.  And as I’ve grown in my walk with Him, He’s stretched me with greater challenges, equipping me in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit.

Now, as I continue to face what literally has been the hardest season of my life, I know for sure every single day, that it is in His strength alone that I can do this.  I’m more convinced than ever before that He is with me and will never leave.  Without His presence, I would fall right off this bike of life, flat on my derriere.  And you better believe that I still do, so to speak, when I try to pedal it all alone.  But with Him right there beside me, where He’s promised to remain, I can do this.  And whatever it is that you are facing, you can do too. 

You need to know that today, so I’ll say it again.  You can do this.  But just don’t try to do it alone.  You’ll fall down every time.  Believe me – I know. 

"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

My word for 2014.

Every year, I pick a theme word for the year that helps me focus. Forget all the New Year's resolutions, because I can't keep up with them all. Instead, a theme word envelopes it all, and this little blog, written mostly for myself so that I can remember my documented thoughts and moments, serves as a reminder of the word.

Last year, it was embrace. When I prayed over it all at the start of 2013, it was mostly about the wait we were going to have for awhile with adoption. I was aching for our little girl to come home soon, and the wait times for Ethiopia kept getting longer. So it was about embracing the here and now, documenting the ordinary everyday blessings, and being content in the here and now without always wishing for more. Little did I know how much our lives would change just eight short weeks later. Embrace became my act of sacrifice to Jesus, embracing a season I didn't want to be in and all of the grieving, tears, and pain that went along with it.

That season's not over, but the year is. Whew.  I've half jokingly said to a few friends that 2013 was all about B, and 2014 was needing to be the year of me. That could sound so egocentric and selfish, but they are close friends that know me well and know exactly what I've meant. There have been so many things to take care of as a result of B's passing, and those things have left me needing to stretch myself more than I ever thought I could. They've left me feeling haggard, lonely, and most days completely and utterly worn out. And, a little lost in the busyness.  So now, I'm needing to rediscover myself again. I'm needing to grow myself spiritually, emotionally, physically, and pretty much every other "ly" word so that I can move forward. I've had to step into new roles I don't even know how to fill, and rediscover myself. My skills, my interests, my weaknesses and strengths, and who I am in the sight of my Father, who sees me as precious in His sight.

And so, the word for this year is grow. I'm choosing to use this stretching season to do just that - stretch and grow and become all God wants me to be in this season so that I'm a better person for another season still to come. To not care as much about everyone else's opinion of me and focus instead on what my Savior wants from me. To not be so consumed with everything that keeps me so overwhelmed and busy, that I still have time to pay attention to my own needs and purpose.

I'm so thankful that His grace enables growth, and as we grow in Him, it affects every other area in our lives. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the gift of growth. I want to see You show up in great ways in 2014!


 

Putting on the Spirit...updated with winners...

If you are like me, you’ve seen the extreme importance of starting a day of parenting well by spending time in God’s Word. I absolutely must spend time with my Father, be reminded of His love for me, be encouraged by His plan of redemption, and be filled with His power and love in order to effectively go love my little ones and anyone else that the Lord puts in my path that day. Yet often, I’m crunched for time, I’ve got a sweet little boy snuggling in my bed wanting to be tickled, or I didn’t take the time to prepare for the school day the night before and now I’m running around trying to get everyone out the door on time.
 

That’s why I was thrilled to hear about this new Bible study called Putting on the Spirit, created especially for the busy mom who is pressed for time but desperately wants to spend regular time each morning in the Word of God. I love how it's not long but it goes into good depth, and helps readers dig deeply in their Bibles every day in a consistent but brief amount of time. This is a topical study of the fruit of the Spirit, taking apart each one listed, studying what the Scripture has to say on that "fruit", and applying what we’ve learned to our lives as mothers. I have done other studies on the fruit of the Spirit, but none so applicable to this phase of my life, giving me practical ways to implement it as the day parenting my children begins. The author, Katie Hornor, continually encourages the use of a notebook, and this helps emphasize important biblical truth and provide a way to remember and reflect on it for years to come.
 

And from December 11-13, this new study is on sale for just 99 cents to download on Kindle! You can go here to buy and download, or to give a gift to a friend who might be encouraged by this study. You will be so glad that you did!

But the fun news for today, is that I get the blessing of giving away three copies!!! Just leave a comment here sharing how you make time as a busy mom, to spend time with the Savior. I will be drawing three names after 9:00 pm EST, tomorrow (Friday) night.

Winners are... Faith, Jennifer, and Sabrina!  Don't forget to download this book while it's still 99 cents, through tonight only!  

Anxiety... or trust?

I admit it… I want a 12-step process for my life right now. Anyone with me? Some kind of 5-year plan, or even a 2-year one, where I know what step to take and when. I want to know that our needs will be met, my income will come from something I enjoy and thrive on doing, all the current health insurance fiasco will not become a source of stress for us, and that my kids will be able to stay and thrive in their current school environment. And hey, why don’t I just throw in world peace while I’m at it… because I like to dream big and know that everyone is happy. :) :)

But God hasn’t promised me any of that. And it stresses me out...quite often. He’s got me in this season of not knowing, and the planner in me doesn’t like that. I want my cute and handy daily planner to have my “to do” list for not only today, but next week and into next year. I want to spend my prayer time begging him for more information instead of thanking Him with for what He has given me – the assurance that He WILL provide for my needs.

The other day I went in my boys’ closet in preparation for our upcoming move. There is this big box of shoes that are L’s hand me downs that I’ve kept for N to wear. Some are WAY too big for him, but I know they are going to fit him in time… because I’ve already seen one little boy’s feet get big enough for them, and then even outgrow them. And before I know, I know the younger one will need those same sized shoes and walk similar milestones in those bigger sized feet.

When it all comes down to it, it’s the same way with my journey through life. I haven’t seen the big picture yet – and I really wish I could. But God has. I’m not the first person to journey through, who has the questions I have or experienced the things I’ve experienced. He’s walked this journey through with so many of His children that have come before me, and He sees what I don’t. He knows what’s coming, and He equips me for what’s needed on the journey.  And sometimes that comes one step at a time, one "size" at a time as I grow.

And so, I tread on… through all the unknowns that drive type A planners like me crazy. And I try my best to rest, knowing He’s got it under control and all I have to do is to get through today and trust with all of my heart that He truly knows and cares for my tomorrows. I even try to follow the example of my kids – who are quite content to live in this moment and make the most of it. It frustrates me sometimes, like when we are trying to prepare for a big move and they have no desire to help pack but instead keep bringing out the toys that have already been packed up. ;) But the lesson I learn from them is obvious... they are truly focused on today, and on making it great and full. And my job is to guide them into the next day, when it comes – a loving, more knowing parent directing a weak and needy child.

The earthly picture of what my sovereign Heavenly Father beautifully does for weak needy me.


“Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34

Anchored.

I’ve got this current obsession with anchors. I wear anchor designs, decorate with anchor themes, and can’t get enough of a couple songs with anchor references. And it’s all because of this verse:

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." -Hebrews 6:19a

An anchor... connects a drifting boat to steady hard ground.

An anchor... prohibits much drifting.

An anchor... is used for support.

An anchor... attaches moveable objects to immoveable.

An anchor strengthens.

And my anchor? Well, it’s my hope. That secure that provides a foundation for my soul in the midst of my insecure. This world is temporary, fleeting, and filled with emotional highs and lows that literally drain me at the end of each day. I need Someone that is strong, does not change, will not allow me to drift with the current tide, and that I can lean on for strength.

And that’s my Jesus. The answer for every broken heart longing for healing. The bedrock my faith is grounded in when I don’t understand the ever changing world around me. The source of my hope that will not and cannot change.
 
And the best news about that?

All that He is, He is for you.

Just a shell

We were there once again at the grave side. Another month had passed. I’ve tried to visit once a month, but don’t bring the kids as often. Especially before the grave marker went in, there was nothing to see but dirt, weeds, and bugs. Nothing pretty about that, and not really where any of us long to hang out. Yet life has brought us there… to this place of seeing the ugly all around, but always longing to find some beauty in it.

So this morning, like in all of the other mornings that have come before and come after, I chose to focus on the hope that we have in the promise of the resurrection, and not in what I currently see. The words almost leap from my mouth as I try to help the kids understand it too. “Guys,” I say through my tears, “this is not Daddy. This is not where he is. We celebrate his life here, we remember how amazing he was and we cry because we miss him so much. But all this ugly – this is not him, and this is not where his story ends. It’s where his old body lies, but he doesn’t need that body any more. He’s perfectly happy and been given victory with a beautiful new forever that has begun in Heaven.”

"It’s just like an old shell you find at the beach,” I continue to explain. “The sea creature that used to live in that shell no longer needs it. He’s happily found a new home that fits him better now.”

And right then, my L comes running over holding these two little snail shells.

He gets it. And as I look around the cemetery, this ugly place filled with weeds and bugs and buried corpses, I realize that there are these little snail shells everywhere. Hundreds of them, maybe thousands, with nothing inside, reminding me that day and every day I visit that this is not all there is to life, and of the beauty to come. A reminder that there are glimpses of beauty that can always be found when I’m dedicated to looking for them.

I honestly don’t know how anyone gets through something like this without the assurance of Heaven. I cling to that assurance every moment of every day. I long for the day when I myself no longer need this current shell of a body, complete with its constant sicknesses and weaknesses and fears. But until then, this frail body forces me to turn to my fully strong Savior for its strength. 

Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality.

When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. -1 Corinthians 15:51-58

Ambidextrous.

Ambidextrous. The word is defined as being “able to use both hands equally well.” I don’t know if I fit that exact definition when it comes to the word “equally,” but I’ve always been quite proud of my ability to do things with both hands. To use that as an adjective that describes me in any of those "get to know you" games. Though I’m a left-handed writer, I learned as a child to eat with my fork in my right hand, so as to avoid awkwardly bumping the elbow of the person sitting next to me at the table. As a schoolgirl, I got sick of looking for the one pair of lefty scissors in the bin during art class, and have cut with my right hand for as long as I can remember. And though I’m not all that stunning to watch in a game of baseball, I catch much better with the glove in my right hand.

It was not until recently that I have seen the meaning and the challenge of that very word in spiritual matters. I’m reading an incredible book called A Grace Revealed, which is the sequel to the very best book on grief that I’ve laid my eyes on, entitled A Grace Disguised. A Grace Revealed is all about the story of redemption that our Father is constantly writing.  In the book, a spiritual hermit from long ago named Abba Theodore is quoted:

     “This power we also can spiritually acquire, if by making a   
      right and proper use of those things which are fortunate, and
      which seem to be on the “right hand,” as well as those which
      are unfortunate and as we call it “on the left hand.”

You see, God is able to use both prosperous times and times of adversity to advance His purposes. He remains faithful and true throughout both, working through both prosperity and adversity to show His redeeming power. But the secret, I’m finding, is in something that is much harder for me to submit to – being spiritually ambidextrous. Being willing to surrender to both the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, and letting Him develop me into a person who can go through both still willing to trust and obey Him.

         “We shall then be ambidextrous, when neither abundance nor want
     affects us, and when the former does not entice us to the
     luxury of a dangerous carelessness, while the latter does not
     draw us to despair, and complaining; but when, giving thanks to
     God in either case alike, we gain one and the same advantage
     out of good and bad fortune.”
            (John Cassian, in The Conferences of John Cassian: The Wisdom of the Dessert)

I'm convicted.  It looks like I’ve got a whole lot of submitting and praising to do to be able to use both sets of circumstances equally well for the glory of God.

Just something I’m chewing on today…