{39}

He would have been 39 today… this man so full of talent and diligence, and most of all, love for the Lord and for all those around him.  The kids would have showered him with homemade cards and drawings and I would have racked my brain for awhile to think of a gift for him, as he was usually pretty hard to shop for. J And of course, we would have joked about it only being a year until he went “over the hill.” 

Instead, we spend the day missing him, but celebrating his safety and healing and a little envious of his being face to face in the presence of our Savior for 18 months now.   It brings us joy to know that every need and want Bryan ever had for his life on each of his birthdays has now been fulfilled in heaven for all eternity.  We move forward remembering him and letting his compassion for others impact the way we live each day the Lord allows us to continue our lives here on earth.    Bryan doesn’t need our gifts any more – but others do.

Maybe today, you are remembering the life of this great man because he impacted your life too.  Or maybe, you never had the blessing of knowing him.   Regardless, you can be a part of continuing to honor him on his birthday by giving to an organization he loved. 

Man Up & Go is passionate about showing Jesus’ love to those who may feel like the outcasts of society – the poor, sick, widowed, orphaned, and/or homeless.   Working mainly in Africa, the team desires to take continual trips and have on the ground resources that help to make a difference and fulfill the mandate of James 1:27, both practically and spiritually.  Through several trips they have already taken, relationships have been built, but the list of needs has also grown.  

Bryan loved the leadership team of Man Up & Go, and repeatedly wanted to help support their mission.  Will you help continue his heart’s desire today, by giving a special gift to Man Up & Go?    Even $5 can make a difference.  You can go here to give a tax deductible gift. 

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. 

"When saying yes doesn't make sense"... a guest post

I've prayed all along that this blog would be real...  A safe place where we can forget all the fluff and the small talk, and just be honest that life can be really hard but we have a Father who is good and offers us hope...  A tiny little corner in the huge home of the Internet that speaks to a woman out there in need of some encouragement... that life may not make sense to us, but we are held by Someone greater who is writing a far bigger story than we can see.

 Remember this book?

Throughout it is a wake up call to say "yes" to God's call, no matter what that may look like now or in the future. Today, over on Kristen's blog, I've been blessed with the opportunity to share a little of my difficult story of saying "yes" when it doesn't make much sense:

Sometimes saying “yes” doesn’t make sense.

At 26 years old, I was blessed beyond measure as I walked down the aisle to say “I do” to my high school crush. It had taken almost 10 years after graduation and the Lord orchestrating a lot of events for us to reconnect, but in June 2004, we began on an exciting journey of life and ministry together. We were blessed shortly after with two beautiful children, but then got the scary news no one wants to hear at the beginning of another pregnancy: “Your husband has a cancerous eye tumor..."

Head over to the We Are That Family blog to to read the full post, and be sure to pick up a copy of Rhinestone Jesus if you haven't yet!

In the thick of the storm.

Sometimes the only way out is through.

I absolutely hate storms.  And I live in an area of the country that seems like the summer thunderstorm capital.  These little storms can pop out of nowhere, lighting up the sky with huge bolts of lightning and startling unsuspecting persons with such loud thunderclaps.  To many, these kinds of storms can appear pretty scary and huge.  But if you can be patient through some crazy moments of blinding rain and loud noise, you’ll soon see that they pass quickly. 

Then there are the storms that seem to last all day.  Just when you think it might be over and calm has returned to the area, another round hits.  I was driving around on this kind of stormy day recently, and it was awful.  I had a day full of things to do and no kids tagging along, so I was determined to check every errand off my list.   But every time I seemed to get behind the wheel again, headed for the next place, blinding rain and road debris seemed to be waiting for me about halfway into the drive.  Scary stuff to be driving around in.   And yet I really had no choice but to keep going, if I wanted to get to my destination. 

I’m finding that life can be that way.  There are those small but huge storm bands that scare us, but if we keep pressing on, we find that they really aren’t all that big and bad after all.  They are over and done with pretty quickly, and we are left feeling like conquerors for surviving them. 

But then, there are the long lasting storms - the ones that seem like they will never end.  They are the storms that seem to pull us under and threaten to defeat us… to make us feel like no matter how hard we try, we just cannot catch a break.   Among other life situations, grief is very much this way.  We try to steadily keep going, but it seems like there is always something threatening to destroy our joy.  Even when it seems like we’ve already survived through the initial storm bands, and it seems to everyone around us that we are doing ok, there are scars that will probably stretch deep enough to affect us for quite awhile.  

So, can storms and joy coexist?  Can we battle the storm outside while experiencing peace on the inside?  I believe we can, but it’s only found in Jesus… because He is the Master of the storms.   We are safe in His grip when everything around us is changed for good and reminds us of our loss.   I can choose to grip the steering wheel with shaky hands, fearful that I won’t make it to my next stop… or I can turn the radio up louder and sing at the top of my lungs.  I can choose to let the song be louder than the sounds of the storm even when it’s still raging on all around me.

I’ve seen enough to know that as long as we live here on earth, there will always be storms.  But our choice is always about how we will respond to them.  And, in knowing that maybe… if we hold on long enough… maybe, just maybe… 

He’ll allow us to see the rainbow.  

"Sometimes He calms the storms, and sometimes, He calms His child." - John H. Groberg

It's not about me.

It’s all about Jesus. All.

This weekend, I had the amazing opportunity to attend the annual women’s conference of the Gospel Coalition. Surrounded by godly women who have walked this road of faith for many more years than I have… spending breaks in a bookstore filled with truth filled resources… listening to incredible teaching from pastors and teachers ministering all over the country – well, I don’t know why I would assume I would come away thinking any differently. But Jesus really was made famous throughout the whole weekend, and His name was exalted and glorified through every word and song.

I have been in what I think is a normal place for anyone walking the road of grief. It’s this time frame of trying to figure out what new purpose God may have for my life after saying goodbye to former purposes that I thoroughly enjoyed and miss greatly. This convincing assurance that there is more coming but having no clue yet what that more looks like. It’s easy to get hung up on the details, wanting so desperately for Him to reveal even a hint of what’s next. And until He does that, trying to do the best I can in this season to prepare myself for what is to come and bring Him glory through it.

So, I went to the conference pretty stressed about some little details, and I came away seeing much more of the big picture and all that really truly matters – it’s all about Jesus. We worked our way through the book of Nehemiah, seeing Christ in every verse. Over and over again, it was emphasized that Bible stories are not there just to be great Bible stories or to become “Aesop’s fables” of sort – where we take away some kind of moral that applies to us after reading. They are there to point us to Jesus. It’s the same way with my life... with your life.

We have been created with a unique story He’s writing that should constantly point to Him. And because that is how we've been created, we don’t have to stress about what that looks like. He will take care of it. And in the in between seasons, all we have to do is rest in His amazing grace and trust that this same God who has worked so remarkably through history past will continue to guide us in the present and into the future He has in store. The next decision. The next hurdle. The next trial. The next victory. That itself will bring Him glory.

Life is so much more freeing that way. I know I’ve taken a few long exhaling breaths as I have reflected on all I was taught this weekend.

He’s got this.

And none of it is about me anyway.

It’s all about Him.

Germinating.

Sometimes, the Farmer chooses to plant seeds a little deeper in the ground.  It takes work for them to pop through the ground and breathe in the deep refreshing air and sunlight with newly formed and growing leaves.  It takes time to see any results.  It’s really dark down there, under that rich soil. 

But the soil is full of nutrients that the seed needs in order to grow.  The Farmer also knows that the depth of the seed's roots can determine its long term strength.   During the seed's darkest days underground, a lot of beautiful work happens that no one can see.  The seed is germinating.  It’s growing its roots, so that it can remain strong when it emerges from the soil and faces the wind and the rain.   The beautiful flowers that will bloom in sunlight are the result of its time first spent in darkness.  A great work is being done in that tiny seed while no one can see the beauty of what’s really happening. 

Like children waiting to see flowers, we grow impatient as we wait for the seeds of our dreams to grow.  Our futures… they can look so bleak and confusing.    What is happening?  When will things change?  But the miracle of growth is just that – a miracle.  It’s not something we can always have a system and a plan for.  Different seeds - like different dreams - take different amounts of time to produce fruit.  And when you factor in what kind of soil, how often they are watered, and how much sun shines on them - the process is often out of our control. 

The next time you see a watermelon, consider with amazement that it started as just a tiny seed, growing up to 200,000 times its weight.  Now that takes some time, but the results are great.  Worth it.  And incredibly amazing.  A true miracle.

I need the patience of the Farmer.  I need His long term perspective, His faith, and His loving watch care over His seeds.  

So the next time someone asks me what I’m up to, maybe I’ll respond with, “I’m germinating.”  

And it will be the honest truth. :)

“Faith is what keeps those dreams alive, even when it seems as though they are dead and buried.  But that is the very nature of seeds.  They go underground.  They disappear.  And while it may seem like they are dead, they are not.  They are just germinating beneath the surface.”

–Mark Batterson, Draw the Circle

On Father's Day...

Last week, I found myself sick and waiting for a half hour to see the PA at the CVS clinic near me… and this is what I had to look at.  It was hard.  Really hard.  I felt as bad emotionally after that as I felt physically, and maybe even worse.   It’s that time of the year that we used to love that we now dread… Father’s Day is nearing. 

We used to love Father’s Day.  It used to be a time when we gathered pictures, I created scrapbooks, and the kids made up tickets for back rubs and hugs that we couldn’t wait to shower on B on that special Sunday.   Some of the best pictures I have of him and the kids are in those scrapbooks that we will always keep and cherish. 

But now… I repeatedly find myself cringing as it approaches.  Every commercial or store sign that flaunts the commercialism of this holiday that now painfully and constantly reminds us of our loss.  I enter Mama Bear protective mode as I analyze how my kids will handle all the reminders that circle around them.   I look for ways to try to have a little family fun to just try to survive the day.  And I most of all pray earnestly for their little hearts, that their Heavenly Father will continue to fill the void their earthly father's death left in their lives. 

And, of course, that’s the “churchy” answer to this whole thing.  That pat spiritual answer that is supposed to make those without a father feel better.  And down deep, I do believe it.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father is all powerful and full of love for His children, and cares deeply about those growing up without a father.  His love can fill that void. 

But how does He usually show His love?  Through others.  Through those who have experienced His love and want to pass it on.  Through those who are burdened to care for those who may not be experiencing the life they dreamed of living.   Through those whose own difficult stories have changed their outlooks on life, choosing to live their days with purpose and impact on those with whom they come into contact. 

So this Father’s Day weekend, that’s my request.  Not just for my own fatherless children, but for the thousands of children in this country alone who are growing up without the blessing of a father.  Be that blessing.  Don’t just tell them of their Heavenly Father, but show them.   You can give a family a gift card to go have some fun together – or better yet, you can take out some kids you know, who need a positive and loving male role model in their lives, for some fun they won’t soon forget.    Show them that they are loved, they are special, and they are not forgotten.  Perhaps, when those children see that love demonstrated in a physical and tangible way, they will see a beautiful portrayal of their Heavenly Father’s love in a better way than they ever will without your presence in their lives.  

Just because you took a little time to truly care.  

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!   -Matthew 7:11

So they'll always know...

One thing that has helped me tremendously in my grief over losing B, is all of the cards and letters he has written me throughout the years.  This man was a writer through and through, and from the time we first started dating, he charmed me pretty quickly with his way with words.  Compliments, encouragement, love letters... he wrote them all.   

Of course now, all of those written words are even more treasured.  They remind me how blessed I am to have been loved so well by such a great man, comfort me in my tears, and give me courage to keep going.  To keep believing my Heavenly Father's plan when I don't understand it.  Those words B said and wrote will always speak to me, even almost prophetically at times.  I've always desired to write things down for my kids to always keep, but now that desire is stronger than ever.  So here are some things I've committed to so my kiddos hopefully always know how loved they are, long after I'm gone.  I hope this list inspires others to make the written word a priority as well. 

1.  Those three little words - Just say "I love you" regularly.  And write it down too.  B and I never ended a phone conversation or left the house without saying this to each other.  Now, I make this of utmost importance in my conversations with my kids.  Time is too precious to forget to say it.  But time also moves quickly and keeps us busy.  So if I only have time to leave a little post it somewhere with those words on there for them to find hidden somewhere, I do it.  I love how they are starting to do the same for me now too! :) 

2.  Time - The "to do" lists will never ever end.  I have to know when to stop looking at them and give my kids some attention.  This is really hard for me sometimes.  I'm a worker.  But again, I've seen how quickly life can change, and I always want my kids to know that they are my priority.  I love Project Life and how I can keep track of all our photos so easily.  Just add the picture, journal a little, and you're done.  It helps us cherish those memories.  

3.  Yearly journals - I keep a journal for each of my kids that I write in on each birthday.  I've skipped a few, but overall, it will be something consistent that they have for when they become an adult.  Maybe even to give them on their graduation or their wedding day. 

4.  "Mama & Me" journals - this idea is from Pinterest, of course.  My older two have one of these now, and N will start his soon.  It's a way for them to express their feelings and ask questions that they may not feel comfortable or find the words to say.  It's private too. They love this.  

5.  Lunch notes - I get consistent with these for awhile and then get forgetful.  But I try. :)  They sit in a drawer full of stationary, near where I make lunches, so I can better remember. 

6.  Love frames - I've been wanting to make these for awhile, ever since I saw them on Becky Higgins' blog.  

I finally got them up in the kids' bathroom, thanks to this printable and some help hanging them.  Not a great picture, but you get the idea of how fun these are.

If you have any other ideas, I'd LOVE for you to leave a comment and share them with me.  The more ways, the better!  The point is that I believe our words will outlive us, and I always want my kids to know with my written words, as well as my spoken ones, how much I love them and thank God for them.   They are such a blessing, and I pray they will know that in their hearts forever.

I am not enough.

I am sure you’ve heard the saying that “it takes a village.” I’d be the first one to raise my hand in agreement. But I’d also be quick to go a step further and assure you that it also takes an Almighty God directing that village. At least that is how it’s looked pretty clearly in my life lately. And I don’t know if I could function a full day without that truth.

I am not enough. You need to know that about me, because you’d find it out soon enough anyway. I am seriously not enough in my own strength, no matter how hard I try. There are three kids living in my home, and only one mom. And now, there is only one parent doing what God designed to be a two person job. I can do the very best job I possibly can do, and I will still pretty much always mess up something. Last week I did a pretty good job getting everyone where they needed to be, but made a pretty big mistake in my job that could have had some pretty bad results. (Thankfully, it didn’t!) Another week, I’ve had everything done that I needed to for work, but really messed up when it came to really being there for my kids, not listening to what was on their hearts. And then there are those times when our own bodies and souls are getting so little attention because we are so busy taking care of everyone else, that we end up sick. Yes, you guessed it - that’s me this week.

But the way I see it, the sooner we come to the realization that we will mess up, the better off we are. It means that we can more honest with ourselves and more real with others, and I for one, crave that in a friendship. I heard Pastor Matt Chandler say recently that “there is no freedom in a lack of honesty”, and it’s so true. So I guess, if nothing else, I have honesty to offer you. :) I am not enough on my own. I cannot do it all. I will try to juggle as many plates as I’ve been given to juggle, but I can assure you that I will probably drop one regularly.

And that’s where the village comes in. This beautifully orchestrated body that Christ has ordained to help meet each other’s needs and carry each other’s burdens. And I know that it ultimately comes from Him, because most of the time the help received begins with a “God put this on my heart” type statement. It’s using their own talents and giftedness, in a beautiful and unselfish way.

(last day of 3rd grade)

(last day of 1st grade)

(last day of preK)

Last week, my kids finished school. It was the first complete school year we went through without B, and it wasn’t easy. Yet, they finished strong with honors, and with character award choices from their teachers that made me cry and would make their Daddy so proud. So, besides thanking God, I need to say a huge ‘thank you” shout to my village. To those who help with rides to and from places, and childcare when I need to be somewhere with one and the others need to be watched. To those who continue to provide us with meals and gift cards when we have busy nights trying to squeeze in a meal before a sports practice. To those who have helped with the funds needed for the kids to participating in activities they are eager to try. To those who encourage both me and the kids when things get hard, and remind us that Christ loves us dearly. To those who regularly pray for us and encourage us by letting us know that they do. To those who understand that grief is a lifelong journey, not a sprint, and who accept me as I am in that moment without trying to change me. To those who give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it, and a night out to laugh and be free from life’s burdens for awhile when I need that too.

You are all beautiful members of the body of Christ, and your role, whatever it is, is far from insignificant. It is blessing our family, and it is helping us move forward successfully knowing that we can do all things -even the hard ones - through Him who gives us strength. Thank you, to each and every one of you.

Our family loves and thanks the Lord for you!


"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy." -Philippians 1:3-4

Lessons from creation

Sometimes, the answers we need may just be found by stepping outside our front doors. 

Now, I’ve been a church going girl from the time I was on the cradle roll.  I love to spend a quiet hour at a Christian bookstore, scoping out the latest resources available.  My own bookshelves are filled with great solid books that can help point a person to Christ and His Word, based on whatever situation they are in.  And I'm thankful for the freedom, education, and comfort found there. 

But sometimes I forget to go right to the source.  To this amazing Creator who sovereignly ordains all that comes about in this vast universe, and still cares and provides for me personally.   I wouldn’t get to know a friend all that well just by talking to her friends, or reading journal entries those women wrote about my new friend.  I would want to spend time with her personally.

And just like that, God calls me back not only to His Word, but to His creation.  Because in His creation, is portrayed His story.  His beauty.  His majesty.  His sovereign control.  His care.  His love. 

I’ve recently become a huge Ken Gire fan, first by reading his incredible book titled The North Face of God, where he relates the difficult times we face in life with the incredible dangers of the north face of a huge mountain.  (Read it!  You will be so glad you did.) This led me to other books by him, and so far, they are all amazing.  My favorite part about his writing is that he takes his illustrations from nature, and through this, I’ve been developing new eyes to see them again too…

The choice to believe that the sun is still there even when it’s not shining.

The beautiful calm that comes right after a powerful storm.

The strength of an oak tree shown by the depth of its roots.

The way a mama bird cares for its young. 

The worthwhile, never wasted time it takes for a seed to grow.

The realization that the caterpillar's loneliest days are right before it’s transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

All these, and more, have been reminders to me lately to not get so busy, that I don’t have the time to be outside.  Because I think there may be more lessons out there for me to learn from than my little bookworm self might ever realize.  And not only can I learn from them, but I’ve got little people I'm parenting who are naturally in awe of the wonders found in creation, if they are only given the time to see them.

Summer is coming.  I can almost count the days on one hand.  We are so very ready.  Normal activities we do during the school year are ending, and you’d better believe you will soon find us outside more often.  At a park, at a beach, taking walks... whatever we can, whenever we can.  

Because there’s a world out there that tells of His glory, and I for one, don’t want to miss it by staying stuck inside four walls.  

Happy Mother's Day...

My kids are my heroes. Yes, you read that right. This year, while the world is busy celebrating Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate Kids’ Day. Sure, part of that is probably because I have no one quite old enough to organize a breakfast in bed or the ability to take the day off to relax as my form of celebration. :)  But it’s much more because I am honestly just that proud of them. They inspire me to be a better mother, and a better woman, because of how they choose to live life, and force me to be braver just to keep up with their bravery.

We are coming to the end of another school year, and the first full one they’ve had to face without their dad, who was always so involved in their activities. And yes, it hurts them to see all their friends’ dads there when theirs can’t be, but it has never stopped them. They deal with their grief in that moment, and then choose to live. Like, really truly fully live… from the time they wake up in the morning -usually before it’s even light out - until the time they go to bed with all of their animals plopped on top of them. I have to slow them down and make them choose activities because they want to do them all. To be on the go, go, go... all day, every day.

So of course, that’s where I have to be a bit of a voice of reason for them. But at the same time, I love how they have chosen not to make their circumstances a crutch to hinder them from trying new things or not excel at what they have set out to do. I’m amazed as I reflect on all of the new things they’ve tried this year, and the ways they’ve grown. I'm so proud of them and pray they can continue to live that way as they grow and face other hard things. They take God at His Word, and choose to live expectant lives that long for Heaven, but spend today living and singing and laughing. And that’s where I’m the one who can learn from them.

We may look different now than a “normal” family, and we always will. We are far from perfect, and we will never will be this side of Heaven. We’ve got plenty of messes and spills and unkind words and just plain old rough days. We carry scars with us, and I know we’ll face plenty more hard days ahead. But we’ve also seen beauty. We’ve seen the brevity of life firsthand and the importance of making every day count. We celebrate each other’s successes, cry with each other in moments of sadness or disappointment, and laugh as often as we can. We even are known to stop and break out in some kind of crazy dance from time to time.

So yea, today’s post is basically a brag on my kids, because I believe they are pretty much amazing and I am one blessed woman to be given the gift from my Father of being their mom. There’s a lot I don’t understand about God’s ways or why He allows what He does, but I am convinced of His love for me every day through my children.

Happy Mother’s Day out there to all the moms who may read this. May we never forget, no matter how hard life gets or how trying our kids can be, that we are truly the blessed ones.

3 Ways an Ordinary Mama Can Say "Yes" (and a giveaway)

Giveaway has ended... and the winners are Amy and Kristin!  Enjoy this wonderful read, girls! 


(...which also could be titled as “Ways the Lord is Working on my Heart”) :) :) 

Last week I blogged about a great book I’ve been reading called Rhinestone Jesus, written by Kristen Welch.  This book is about to hit store shelves, and you will want it.  Ever since I finished reading it, I’ve been contemplating its message.  This idea of being willing to say “yes” to Jesus, no matter what that means.  In the big, in the small, and in the not so pretty.   You see, I’m just an ordinary mama, with no major ministries going on or maternity homes across the ocean that I’m trying to build, and that means I could easily dismiss Kristen’s story in this book because it’s not mine. 

But I’d be missing the point of the entire book.  You see, no matter where we are in life, we are being called.  Called to offer our “yes” to a Father who knows what is best for His children when we don’t have a clue what tomorrow may bring.  And that’s a really scary thing sometimes.   In the midst of my own life mess right now, these three areas have stuck out to me as ways He's calling me to offer my “yes”:

My time.  Oh, my time is so precious to me these days.  My time… that time when there is nothing that must be done and no one asking anything of me.  That’s because that kind of time rarely ever comes.   And when it does, I often want to be selfish with it.  I may refuse to spend time with someone who is hurting because I need some “me time,” refuse to play a game with my kids because I finally have the time to pick up a book I’ve been waiting to read,  or sleep in a little longer instead of waking up early enough to have some quality prayer time before the kiddos are roused. 

When I say “yes” to Jesus, I let Him direct my time.  And if my day ends up looking a whole lot different than what I planned but I look back at the end of it knowing Jesus was the one who directed it, than I can trust Him to also bring me the nourishment and down time He knows I need to keep functioning well.

My talents.  The Lord has given us all gifts and abilities, and sometimes, I want to use my unique giftings for my own purposes.  I want to rush opportunities and make them happen before God’s timing and fulfillment, or in different ways than He’d like.  Or, I want to ignore where I’ve been gifted and waste my time doing other things, instead of using it to refine my gifts and use them where I’ve been planted. 

When I say “yes” to Jesus, I give my talents back to Him for Him to use as He sees fit.  I choose not to get frustrated when it’s not the right timing to use them, or He uses them in a way that I may not have chosen.  And when He does choose to use them in ways that get me way out of my comfort zone, I am willing to "do it scared," as Beth Moore says.

 My treasure.  A lot of people define this as their money, and rightly so, because the Bible says that “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  So I take it a step further and pretty much sum up my treasure as everything I hold precious in my heart – including my desires, hopes and dreams. 

And when I say “yes” to Jesus, I choose to trust Him with my heart.  I choose to believe that He sees where I am broken, and is working to mend me in a more beautiful way than I can imagine, even when I can’t see anything but scars.  I choose to place all of my desires, hopes and dreams in His hands and let Him do with them whatever He wants. 

Much easier said than done, isn’t it?  That’s why I needed this book, and I believe every other woman does too.  I am one weak woman, fully dependent on the Lord and always needing to rely on His grace and strength to help me in my mess each and every day.  But when you read someone else’s story of saying “yes” and it’s presented as beautifully as Kristen’s, doesn’t it make you long to say “yes” more often?  And don’t you feel a little braver when you know that others around you have been willing to say “yes” too? 

Rhinestone Jesus officially releases on May 1^st of this week, but I’m so excited that I have two copies to give away here on my blog!  Just leave a comment sharing something pertaining to your own “yes” story by 11:59 p.m. on Thursday, May 1st, and I’ll draw two winners on Friday!  

Yes in my mess.

Saying “yes” may just make life downright messy. 

I’ve been reading an advance copy of Kristen Welch’s new book coming out, Rhinestone Jesus, and it’s been making me contemplate a lot. In particular, it’s been making me think about all the times I’ve made the choice to say “yes.”

Yes, to begin studying to be a teacher.

Yes, to further that study by going away from home and leaving what was familiar.

Yes, to student teach in yet another unknown area, living with strangers.

Yes, to come back home to accept a teaching job when I wanted to stay. 

Yes, to accept a marriage proposal from my high school crush.

Yes, to stop teaching in the classroom and begin on a long crazy journey called motherhood.

Yes, to promise to support my husband in every way as we walked the unexpected road of cancer.

Yes, to answer the call to adoption.

Yes, to commit to trusting God’s plan while I journey through a world now filled with loss.

None of my yeses have been big ones, especially compared to Kristen’s big choice to open a maternity home in Kenya.   They really are quite insignificant.  Some were exhilarating and some were downright painful.  I’m sure you could say the same about your own.  I’d love for my story to include my saying “yes” to something much bigger and have an exciting "big" story to share.  But He’s called me to a lot of little yeses, and I honestly believe that all of those little “yes” answers still add up to something bigger beyond them.  It’s the ability to trust God more completely as the choice to say "yes" makes life a little messier.  It’s the continual stretching of the soul that in turn makes me braver because it becomes a choice I just have to keep making even when I'm weak and scared, because I know without a doubt that there just isn’t a better alternative. 

Shortly after B passed, I remember my daughter asking me if I would have married him if I would have known I would lose him 9 years later.  Though I answered her with a "yes" at the time, I really reflected on that for awhile afterward.  At times, I absolutely hate the season we've been in.  But at the same time, what would have happened if I would have said “no”?  I would have missed out on an amazing marriage and three precious children who bless me every day with their sweetness.   I would have missed seeing my Savior’s love for me in huge ways through His body’s coming together and lavishing love on us.  I would have stayed planted in my own little safe world, afraid to take risks because I’m not sure of the outcome.  And what fun is that, especially when as hard as we may try to control life, there are always things beyond our control anyway? 

So, I believe that our “yes” answers make us braver.  When we say “yes” a few times, we are able to keep saying it.  We are able to see that God is bigger than the mess, and He sees way beyond it to something stunningly beautiful in His big picture story. 

Saying “yes” might be the scariest thing ever.   

But – it might be the best thing we ever choose to do.  

A birthday letter to my son...

Dear Eldest Son,

This week, we celebrated another birthday of yours. Why does it seem like they already keep coming faster? I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. They had set me up for an induction a week before my due date, because your older sister had come fast, and they didn’t have enough time to get all the medicine in me to fight the group B strep I carried that could harm her. So in order to not face the same experience again, the induction was set up for Monday morning, the day after Easter. But of course, like everyone warned me would happen, I started realizing on Saturday afternoon that it was time, and we headed for the hospital. Sure enough, around 8:30 on a beautiful sunny Easter Sunday morning, you arrived.

I have loved all along that those details are a part of your story, because it was able to encourage so many people afterward. You see, a year before to the exact day, I had miscarried a little baby that I had only carried inside of me for six weeks. I remember being in our church’s Easter service, clinging to the hope of the Resurrection with a struggling heart that was grieving the loss of a child and wondering if we would ever be able to have any more children. But I believe God is the Great Author of some of the best stories, and it was no coincidence that you were born a year later, on that very date, and on Easter Sunday – the day of all days for celebrating. Any time I had the opportunity to share that story with anyone who was grieving a miscarriage, I would, praying that it would give them a glimmer of hope that He is still writing their stories and they haven’t been forgotten.

Now, seven years later, we are in a place I would have never ever wished for you and wish with all my heart that I could have protected you from. Yet, God is still writing your story, and I am believing once again, that it’s going to be a good one. You continue to miss your amazing father, but don’t choose to dwell in the grief. Instead, you choose to live life to the fullest, laughing through the present and always dreaming and sharing your desires for our family’s future. Your little heart full of hope inspires me to keep hoping too. Your willingness to forgive when people hurt you or don’t follow through on their plans, keeps my heart challenged to forgive too. And your love for others and desire to show Jesus to them keeps me looking out for ways I can serve and love too.

Never lose that, sweet boy. This world is an ugly one, full of hurt and pain, and constantly threatening to sink you in its overwhelming burdens and trials. I wish so badly that I could protect you from any further hurt, but I know it’s a part of living in this fallen place. Still, when you continue to keep your focus on His Kingdom and pursue it with all your heart, the Lord has the incomprehensible ability to fill you with His joy and peace that transcends all else. His love for you is greater than you can ever fathom, and He desires to lavish it on you for all the days of your life as His eternal child – His heir.

I am only one person, one parent – and even though I wish I could fill some of the holes that now exist in your life, I won’t ever be able to. But He is a Father to the Fatherless, the Master hole filler. I promise to do the very best job I can to parent and love you, but when I mess up, as I will – keep turning to Him. He will always be more than enough. And His big Resurrection story – this eternal victory through the Cross that we celebrate particularly on Easter Sunday – and that has been personally woven into your smaller story from the day of your birth celebration, will always always hold true… no matter what life brings.

Happy birthday, L!  I love you more than words could say.

I choose to dance.

It’s late and I never write this late, so perhaps none of this will make any sense – but that’s ok, because I write more for myself anyway, and it’s been too long since I stopped and shared my thoughts.  My kids have been on spring break this week, so any daytime writing time just hasn’t been a possibility.  I think the words just keep piling up in my head and heart until they just have to come out, which is where I’m at tonight.  :) 

Usually, the words also revolve around a theme I’ve been learning, and tonight is no different.  This quote has been in my head this week:

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

You’ve heard it, I'm sure.  Probably a million times, just like I have.  But it’s been circling around in my head especially this week.  Like I mentioned, this week was spring break for my kids, and I had high intentions of planning a lot of fun adventures.  Our local pool just opened back up too, and I told the kids we would get to spend time there this week.  But… then, it started raining.  And then got windy.  Then got cold.  Then got rainy again.  And basically our plans got washed away with the rain showers. 

But I’m getting pretty experienced with changed plans.  So instead, I’ve been really productive with getting some projects done around the house while the kids begged to watch Frozen again, so that we can be out enjoying the nice weather when it comes.  And between the work, we’ve read books, played games, eaten quite a few desserts, and laughed a lot together.   So no, it’s not a spring break any of us will probably be talking about for years to come – but then again, who knows?  Maybe it will be.

I am not a good dancer.  If I can’t even dance well on a dance floor, you had better believe that I would immediately slip and fall if I tried to dance for long while dodging puddles during a rainstorm.  But I’m thankful this quote means more to me than just the literal translation.  Because there have been a lot of life’s storms around me lately.  Aside from our own hardships, there have been several people we know and love going through some really hard things even this week.  It makes me want to throw up now just thinking about what they are having to endure. 

If there’s one thing I’ve seen in the last 14 months, it’s that life can change instantly, leaving us in a pile of tears and questions.   Every one of us wakes up in the morning having no idea what we will be hit with that day.   Maybe it will be something exciting.  These days, I wake up hopeful that it will be.  But I also wake up with the realization that this world is full of pain and hardship, and I can’t wait for the pain and hardship to go away before I do things.  Because nothing but our Heavenly Father and His love for us will ever really be a certainty in this world. 

So, I choose to dance, and for me, to dance means to live.  Depending on the type of dance, I may have to go slowly and follow a learning curve, but I still choose to try.  To choose to be the best me I can be today and not wait around until tomorrow to first find out if it will be a better day.  To stay up late reading books sometimes even when I know I’ll be tired in the morning, because it’s the only “me time” I’ve gotten for the last few days.  To push myself in the gym even when I know I’ll be sore the next day.  To watch Spiderman cartoons on YouTube so I can be the best storyteller possible to my little boy who is missing his daddy’s great bedtime stories.   To sit and play another board game when the sink is full of dishes.  To go after dreams, even when I have no clue if they will ever come to fruition.   

Because dancing is way more fun than just watching or wishing.  

Book review - No More Perfect Kids

If you've been following any of my social media accounts lately, you've seen that I've been posting a lot of great quotes from a fabulous new book that is hot off the press and available TODAY - No More Perfect Kids.

Did you read Jill Savage's last book, No More Perfect Moms? If so, you're familiar with the "perfection infection", a desire to appear like everything is perfect that invades our homes, lives, and parenting, instead of accepting and dealing with "real life" and difficult moments. This time, Jill's back with the help of Dr. Kathy Koch, focusing on how the perfection infection ruins parents' reality and acceptance of who God made our kids to be. Instead of perfection being our guide, the authors teach us how to achieve excellence instead of perfection in our parenting of our kids, foster their character and abilities through love and time, and help them find the purposes God created them to fulfill, cheering them on all the while.  And through all of it, the underlying theme is love for our kids for who they truly are, even when it's not what we expected.

This book is filled with general information on how to parent our children uniquely and in a loving but expecting style.  1 Corinthians 13, known as the "love chapter" in the Bible, is paraphrased beautifully from a parenting perspective.  Furthermore, the book is filled with practical tips on how to go about this sometimes daunting task.  My favorite part, though, are the additional helps given in the index - a list of feeling words to help our children put their feelings into words, a list of appropriate tasks by age, ways to pray for our children using Bible verses, and a list of character qualities to develop in our children.  These bonus materials wrap this book up perfectly with an action plan to carry out after the book is read.

And speaking of bonus materials, there are plenty more available as a free gift, when you buy this book between March 13-23.  Head on over here to find out more info on that.

There is also a new blog available entitled "No More Perfect", where we can join together to embrace reality, whatever that currently looks like in our families.  You can sign up here to receive weekly emails of encouragement all about this topic of embracing imperfection.

Finally, there will be a Facebook group study on this book coming soon.  You won't want to miss it!

How's that for some perfect ways to help us get rid of the need for parenting perfection?  Be sure to grab a copy of the book now while you are thinking of it, and have a great rest of your week!

The beauty of broken.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to unplug some, and just focus on falling deeper in love with Jesus.  I write that with zero desire for any praise or compliments whatsoever, because the reason was not at all a good one.  I realized I was doubting Him.  I realized that I was struggling to let Him be enough for me.  I knew He was asking for that, and I needed to be willing. 

So I took Facebook off my phone and put strict limits on how much social media I was allowed,  and entered into a 10-day period of trying to quiet all the distractions and just trying to feast on Him with every moment He allowed me.  I prayed that I would be overwhelmed by the love that He longs to lavish on me.  And I was.  But along with it, what I discovered wasn’t all that pretty.  Pride.  Fear.  Doubt.  The more time I spent with Him, the more undone I realized I was and the more I realized I needed Him.   And I realized He was asking me: “I know you believe that I can make beauty from ashes, but do you really truly believe I can do it in your life, your family and in your mess?  And do you understand that it may not happen the way you think it will or want it to, but in MY divine way?”

I’m only writing this down to remind myself of and to hopefully encourage others with, because in this journey, He led me to a book called The Beauty of Broken, by Elisa Morgan.   In this book, Elisa, the former CEO/President of MOPS International for many years, opens up with her very personal family story of pain and what most would call “messy.”  Yet she weaves God’s redemptive grace through all of it, like a red ribbon of hope because of the blood His Son shed on the cross to cover all of the sin and the mess.  

And that?  That transforms all of the ugly mess and makes it all beautiful. Only through Him. 

I absolutely love this part of the book, wrote it down, and was so encouraged by it that I knew others need to hear it too. 

God used…

Two broken stone tablets… to bring about the Israelites’ repentance.

Broken pitchers that covered torches… to make Gideon’s enemies fall back.

A broken heart… to return King David to His heart.

A broken roof… as an access for a cripple to receive Jesus’ healing.

Broken bread loaves… in Jesus’ feeding the more than 5,000.

Broken fishing nets… to challenge the disciples to fully depend on Him.

A broken flask of nard… to express love that flows out of a relationship.

A broken ship… to steer Paul to Malta to share the Gospel.

A broken body… to provide salvation for all mankind!

Wow.  He not only CAN use brokenness to bring beauty, but He seems to delight in it.

I just have to be willing to let Him.  

"...but You are the Savior, and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

365 days.

365 days. It’s been that long since I have felt his arms around me, or his hand holding mine as we knelt together in prayer before our Father. Since I heard his big boisterous laugh, listened to him share his future ministry dreams with me, or just overheard him playfully count to ten as he took part in a game of hide and seek around the house with the kids. Since I’ve seen his work number pop up on the caller ID at lunchtime just to check in, or saw his eyes crinkle with that big smile, as he told me how beautiful I was and how blessed he was to be my husband.

The list could go on and on, but the bottom line is… it’s been a year today. A year of intense grief, and a year of lavished grace. A year of heart wrenching loss, and a year of never ending, Heaven sent love. And the only way to truly describe it is to say that I am held. Held in the palm of His hand while evil tries to prevail and life can appear so crazy busy that I don’t even know how I will make it through the current day. Sometimes I haven’t even known the words to describe it – this all encompassing Presence that brings peace when all around me is unknown and chaotic.

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

My prayer all along has been based on Isaiah 61:3. I have prayed for beauty from ashes, and that I would be willing to suffer and deal with the loneliness that this year has brought with it, if that is what will bring God glory. It’s such a hard prayer to pray, but even when it hurts, I know it’s right and how I can please Him with my life after all He’s done for me. My little feeble attempt of sacrificial worship in response to His lavished gift of His Son’s sacrifice on the cross. My God is good and He is for me. He has made it very clear through the multitude of people who have come alongside us this year, that He loves us, and we are never truly alone.

I’m still waiting to see how the beauty from ashes will take shape. I understand that it may take a lot of patience, possibly a really long time to see, and that there will probably be fully unanswered questions until I get to Heaven myself. 

But it’s the second half of that verse that has become more real and practical to me. It’s the part about the oak of righteousness, for the display of His splendor. I heard Lauren Chandler pray it recently: “Lord, let my roots grow so deep in You, and may such great fruit result that You receive much glory.” And it’s been my prayer since right after B’s passing – “Grow my roots deep, Jesus. Let them be so firmly planted that nothing on this earth can destroy them.”

I watched just the other day, as fence guys tried to lay a fence post too close to a large oak tree in our back yard. Over and over they hit at those roots, until they were covered in sweat and had to stop for a break. Those roots didn’t budge easily, no matter how hard they were hit. And I saw it once again. The importance of the roots – the foundation of the tree. When we see Christ for who He really is – His majesty and our smallness, His sovereignty and our weakness - our roots stay grounded. The tree sways, loses some branches, and looks a little beat up after the storm. But the roots underneath? It will take a whole lot more to destroy them. They are grounded, and they continue to grow.

So, believing that only through God’s strength, He gives me the ability to remain grounded like an oak tree, I choose to move forward. Yes, I will always love and miss B, and be grateful for the amazing husband and father he was that helped shape a strong foundation for our family. But I believe He has good in store for me and my children, and I’m trusting Him with hope and expectation at the future. And, I’m grateful that by God’s grace, a lot of others’ prayers, and godly wise counsel, I’ve made it through a really hard year with my roots still secure.

So today, our family will cry as we celebrate B and the impact he made during his somewhat short time on earth. But much more, we will celebrate a God who holds us in the palm of His hand and works in amazing ways to secure our roots, and lets us see His beautiful love and merciful provision shining through the darkest of nights.